this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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