As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
