Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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