Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
