I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
