Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
