hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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