Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
