i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
