I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I lost the right to judge tonight
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
