Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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