I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize