who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
