i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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