I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize