i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
