U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
