guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
