why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
