I think I died a long time ago.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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