We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
