god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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