bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
