Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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