I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
