I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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