I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
