Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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