woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
