i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize
