I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
