i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
