I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
