PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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