I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
