The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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