One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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