When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
