My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
