You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize