Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
