note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
