I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
pray to the hookup gods
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
