I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
