my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
