WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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