Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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