A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
