dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
