if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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