Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
