Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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