I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
