New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
