My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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