Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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